Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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