I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
