I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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