I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
