I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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