Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
