I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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