i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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