At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
