have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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