Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
