He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
