Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
