also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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