my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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