If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
