when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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