I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize