at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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