Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
