Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
