...so i touched it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize