Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
only if we run a train.
done.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just forgot I was standing up.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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