cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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