i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The air taste purple.
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