tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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