i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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