i need an iv and a liver transplant
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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