There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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