i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
