I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
