Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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