and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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