But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
