Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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