They should really pass out barf bags in church
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
