forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
