I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Let's get the cat blown out
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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