life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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