i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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