your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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