Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
