You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
