a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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