but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
