Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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