Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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