Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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