Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
