He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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