I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
