So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
