Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
