i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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