are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
