The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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