Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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