I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
