I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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