she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
