I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
