my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's shark week go big or go home
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
