Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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