he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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