i don't like sucking hair
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
