don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
