got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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