My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
